Sabrina and Kevin
By Nick Grunerud
It's raining outside and Two people are sitting at a table. The Man has
A copy of the latest Skuf magazine. The woman is sitting staring inquisitively.
(Making rabbit faces outside the window)
The rain gets harder outside
It's the second half that get SO bad
Sabrina looks over to him
What are you talking about?
Kevin flips another page of the crumpled magazine
All the issues of Skuf magazine start so grand,
So big... They start to really climb into a
topic or a theme... then the pages just get
larger and larger
Sabrina takes a wide gulp of tea
Kevin cuts her off
It's like the second season of Cheers or something
or the part of the Unabomber manifesto that's
shit? Or like a bad cake? Right? Um... or a ...
the fucking catholic church?
What the fuck Kevin? You are making no sense and
you might continue to further lack general sense
as the day goes on.
Kevin puts his magazine down
You paying the attention?
Sure, sure, sure.
Sabrina takes a wide gulp
This magazine is not right for me, which is akin
to so many things...
CUT TO TITLE SCREEN, WHICH APPEARS FOR 2 SECONDS
(Screen goes to black, music starts to play)
Kevin is walking with one of his friends, Carla. Both of them have their hands
in their pockets, ALMOST the same way. Kevin notices how beautiful it is.
I just notices how beautiful it is outside
Yeah, it is. It's days like this that really shine
in my mind...
KEVIN (Looking Confused)
Sure, yeah, awesome... Carla
I am SERIOUS! Nice days like this really put a stop
to that whole suicide shit and depressing shit
that permeates life...
Yeah, that's the pitts
Kevin looks up to see where they are
Really is the pit, if you wanna know the truth
In a specific sense...
Carla takes out two pairs of headphones, one labeled "White" and
the other "Urban"
Carla, those headphones... overtly offensive
It's not happening...they are not bad in your way...
Kevin puts his head down as they keep walking
In a specific sense, the pit is where you find it all...
The dark branches making everything all dumb, the cherry tree
making all of the rich folk hungry
I like it
...the splayed branches making everyone all rich...
I really like it
...The rich making everyone all splayed
I like it...Female Karl Marx right here...
Carla looks disgruntled
Kevin! You can't possibily like all that I do
Kevin points to a convenience store door that is open.
You know how much I love things that stay open and continue
to BE open...
The Spanish language is one of the great things you do.
"The End" with a blue background appears on the screen. A 13 second pause ensues
INT. KEVIN'S BEDROOM
Carla and Kevin are sitting in Kevin's bedroom with a bass guitar
lying in the middle of a large rug.
So....You wanna play it?
Why is there confusion inside of you?
Because it's always been there
So....you have always had a time?
Carla blinks both of her eyes, signifying something
It's not prudent what we are doing...
"The End" with a red background appears on the screen. A 12 second pause ensues
INT. BURLINGTON COAT FACTORY
Kevin and Carla are walking through a Burlington Coat Factory
She squezes her stomach
Does this fat make me look fat?
No, it makes you look fat!
They both laugh very forcefully
Kev, you make it fun
Kevin picks his nose and aggressivly checks his watch
Thanks a whole lot
Carla looks at her watch
God Dammit! We have been in a Burlington Coat Factory-
Her words get cut off by a copyright symbol on the screen.
"The End" with a yellow background appears on the screen. A 9 second pause ensues
Sabrina is outside a package store waiting.
hmmm...I hope I get a really nice quarter from the clerk
The clerk walks outside
Here you go girl.
She looks disaproving of herself
The clerk looks at her very bemused and walks back in. Kevin comes out from
Hey good news!
What my love Kevin?
There are really conspicuous candy bars in that
Gas station check outline
Want to hear the bad news?
You had just good news available...
Kevin picks his nose and looks at his watch
I do not think our gas tank can hold anymore gas
They both look at the package store clerk. He looks back at them and
Da hell you crust punks doing out here?
Sorry, I am being a total cunt right now...
Sabrina glares at Kevin
Kevin! Don't say that word! It's... it's...
Sabrina looks at her watch
Wrong to say. Even in a gendered way that subverts
generalized expectations of how society should and could
view the way we interact with personalized structures. The
ways in which men still think that words don't hurt the ones
they love is indicative of the hegemony that regins free
in all of us as human beings.
There is a long pause between the three of them
You are like Andrea Dworkin, minus the Portland
Kevin shakes his head and mouths the word no
Is that a new one?
I keep trying jokes but they come out as what I just did.
Could you dum dums get the hell out of my store please?
And probably stop saying the C-word while you are at it?
Basball bat cracking a baseball is audible in the background
"The End" with a pink background appears on the screen. A 5 second pause ensues.
Cuts back to Kevin and Sabrina with the clerk
I really don't enjoy this guys entire demeanor... and I am
starting not to like this shop we can't get out of.
Kevin takes out his phone
We have six white friends, eight black friends, and no one
has a guard card... Really need a security guard for our party
I know! I would love to have that extra sense of not giving a
rip in our own dwellings
The clerk looking irate starts to shout
Get out of my store, you cocksuckers!
Kevin and Sabrina leave the store. A 32 second montage of them going through
different stores occurs.
"The End" appears on the screen with a black guard card. A One Second Pause ensues.
The pause is broken up by a shot of a Turner Classic Movies style studio where a
black woman named Jackie and a Iranian man named Pacer are facing camera
Hello everyone... My name is Jackie
And I am Pacer of course
We are obviously here to talk about "Kevin and Sabrina", the
chilling debut from acclaimed director, Fish Washington.
Yes... Fish Washington's classic new film
Camera cuts to another shot with a picture of Washington in the background
Washington was a sharp, bright, mutli- gooded man with extremely open heart
and wonderful style
He made straight people look sick and wanted a society where no one
directed each other but rather they created a space where
JACKIE AND PACER IN UNISON
Art made it's place in the center of the room
Both Jackie and Pacer look behind them
Fish Washington will be remembered for his wild contributions
to actual cinema because he is who he is.
Jackie crosses herself
That's weird what you just did, but I will honor his way
by using trademark infringement on your gay ass
Pacer crosses himself. The clerk from Kevin and Sabrina comes out from the
Hey, did anyone order a Koran, or a bible, with extra paprika?
All of them start laughing SO HARD. Improvised dialogue as Kevin And Sabrina and
Carla come out as well. Numerous talking heads appear with all that have spoken where it is
revealed that no one in the cast supports animal rights
and that they in their words "extremely love" Maccaroni Grill.
Credits roll to different songs. Half the credits are from other movies.